Unsolicited Dating Advice
Dating can be fun. Dating can be complicated.
If you think you might want to get married some day, here are some ideas that can lead to a happier life.
1. Know why you’re dating people in the first place.
Some people want to get married. Some people want a summer romance. Others are trying to catch a body and forget your name.
Figure out which one you are. Make sure the people you’re dating are on the same page.
My opinion is that you should only date people you would consider getting married to. Otherwise, you might get knocked up or spend 5 years dating someone that you knew from the beginning you didn’t want to marry.
2. Make sure the timeline in your head actually works.
If you’re young and think you don’t have to worry about serious dating until later, double check the math.
For example (feel free to adjust the numbers to whatever ages you like):
Let’s pretend you want to have a baby at 30 and have two years together as a married couple before changing diapers. That means…
You got married at 28, which means…
You got engaged at 27, which means…
You started dating at 26. Some people think you should date longer than one year before getting engaged, so let’s say you started dating this person at 25, which means…
You began “dating with the intention of eventually getting married” at 24. It might take a couple years to actually meet your spouse, so you really started dating seriously at 23, which means…
You stopped dating “just for fun” at 22. For example.
Whatever timeline you have in your head, make sure it’s realistic enough to work.
And remember: the above is just a made up timeline. People find happiness in many ways at varying ages. It’s just that if you’re trying to get married and have kids, it’s easier when you’re younger.
3. Be The Right Person
Everyone says they’re looking for The Right Person™️ to marry.
They say, “When I find The Right Person, everything will be easy and perfect, because they’ll love me for who I am. That’s what makes them the Right Person.”
So, you should ask yourself: “Am I who the Person I’m looking for is looking for?”
Picture your ideal spouse. Write down all the qualities you want your husband or wife to have: is s/he kind, honest, funny, good-looking, generous, trustworthy, healthy, gainfully employed (or not), etc? What’s his or her eye color, height, hair color, hobbies, favorite foods, whatever — think about whom you’d be thrilled to marry.
Then ask yourself: would this person be thrilled to marry you?
Based on who you are, how you behave, how you interact with the world — is your dream spouse going to be attracted to you when you meet?
If your answer is yes, you should be excited — it’s only a matter of time before you encounter him or her, and they’ll be thrilled that they found their “Right Person” (i.e., you).
But if your answer is no, now’s a good time to reflect on why not. Do you need to practice being more trustworthy or honest? Do you need to improve your wardrobe or learn to cook?
Figure out what you can do to be more appealing to your dream spouse, and then focus all your energy on that.
You’ll never need to worry about finding the Right Person if you commit to becoming the Right Person.
4. Remember: healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people.
If you find yourself consistently drawn to problematic people or relationships, it means that you have been hurt and are seeking healing.
Somewhere in your body and in your subconscious, there is an emotion that is so overwhelming, you have kept it locked up.
The repeated pattern of problematic relationships is your subconscious attempt to recreate the conditions that hurt you, in the hopes that you will be able to embrace the overwhelming emotion, allow it to flow through your body, and then dissipate.
Until this hurt has been allowed to heal, your subconscious will repeatedly guide you into hurtful relationships.
Know that all healing occurs within a healthy relationship. It can be between you and a friend or family member, or even between you and Nature or the Divine. But there must be a release and healing.
And once you are able to accept your past emotional hurt with grace and compassion for yourself and others, you will find that you are no longer attracted to emotionally unhealthy people. Instead, you will see that they have also been hurt and need compassionate help, not turbulent romance.
There are many people who have written about how to heal from these past hurts: Joe Hudson, Anthony De Mello, Gabor Mate, Bessel van der Kolk, Stan Grof, The Buddha. Seek healing and wisdom, and your whole life (not just your dating life) will benefit.