Most people wouldn’t be surprised at the idea of watching a football movie on their television, but most people would be surprised at the idea of watching a movie on a TV set sitting on a football field.

And yet, that’s exactly the analogy Bruce Tift uses to describe awareness in his book, Already Free.

The thinking goes like this:

Imagine there’s a movie playing on a TV set. You’re on your own, your phone is off, and the lights are out, so there’s nothing to distract you. It’s an engaging film, exciting, full of drama, suffering, moments of setback and despair, joy and victory.

Thanks to the 4k HD resolution and incredible surround-sound system, you get so drawn into the movie that, even though you’re not actually living in the movie, you feel like you are. It’s the only thing you really notice or perceive.

You don’t think about what you’re sitting on or the fact that there are planes flying over head, children playing in the park, or that someone, somewhere, is trying In-N-Out Burger for the first time (Can you tell that I’m hungry?).

Now, take that television set with the super-engaging film, and place it in the middle of a football field in broad daylight, and instead of sitting up close and enjoying the immersive sound system, you’re way up in the bleachers, watching the movie from afar.

The movie is still just as good, and the television itself still has its HD resolution. But now, because of all the sunlight and the fact that you’re far away, it’s hard for you to feel totally immersed in the film. Now, you begin to notice the way the breeze ruffles the trees, and the chirping of birds. You feel the sunshine on your skin and enjoy its gentle warmth.

Tift argues that the first situation, with the TV in the dark room, is how most of us live our lives: so caught up in the “movie” of our life, that we identify with it and fail to notice the details of life happening all around us. The “story” of the movie is made up of all the emotional interpretations and unthinking reactions we have to the circumstances that arise in our life. No matter what good or bad happens outside of the movie, we don’t even notice, because we’re so caught up watching the screen.

The second situation, with the TV on a sunny football field, is what it’s like to live in touch with your deeper awareness. The movie of your life is still exciting and engaging, but instead of limiting your experience to the story in the film, you see it as just one part of a much grander world. With this perspective, it’s harder to emotionally identify with the fear, outrage, and despair - the drama, if you will - that make the film so compelling to watch. Sure, it’s interesting for a few moments, just like reality TV; but then, you realize that your real life is so much bigger, grander, and more interesting than anything you can find on that little, far-away screen.

Ultimately, this idea might not resonate for everyone, but it ‘s helped me to visualize how awareness relates to our lived, sensory experience in a more tangible way. I hope it’ll help you, too.

Apolo Ohno is the most highly-decorated American to ever compete in the Winter Olympics. He was a three-time overall World Cup champion (2001, 2003, 2005) and was the 2008 Overall World Championship gold medalist. Apolo, with partner Julianne Hough, was also the fourth winner of the television competition Dancing with the Stars, as well as being a serial entrepreneur, award-winning public speaker, and a New York Times Bestselling Author.

In short, he has accomplished some big things in his 37 years of life, particularly in the world of short-track speed skating.

And yet, Apolo manages to retain a measure of perspective. To paraphrase Apolo in his 2018 interview with Dr. Peter Attia, speed skating is just a sport where men in Spandex skate in circles around the ice. “Not the manliest thing” you can do, according to Apolo.

So here is someone who, for a time, gave his entire life over to the single-minded, relentless pursuit of excellence in a narrowly defined path. And remarkably, he’s able to see it for what it is: a competitive sport filled (like all other sports) with arbitrary rules and various elements (flashy costumes, expensive gear, lucrative commercialization) that vainly attempt to make the sport appear more important than it really is.

I don’t say this to denigrate sports, competition, or athleticism. These things do matter, and can serve to inspire others and open doors to excellence, achievement, and the character-building pursuit of mastery.

But it’s interesting to hear Apolo speak so openly and frankly about how silly short-track speed skating is when you compare it to questions of life and death, truth and justice, freedom and honor. The sport was his whole life for more than a decade - but it pales in comparison, for example, to the gravity and impact of having a father like his, who left Japan at age 17 and immigrated to America, speaking no English and knowing no one.

I’m dwelling on this because I struggle in my own life to reconcile the idea of single-mindedly pursuing something with the recognition that it might not be all that important in the grand scheme of things. Apolo Ohno can say plainly and honestly that, ultimately, his sport just consists of men and women in shiny Spandex, skating circles on the ice. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that his achievements have inspired countless others, and it doesn’t detract from the good that has come from the ways he’s leveraged his platform.

I suppose that, to have even a portion of the positive impact Apolo has had through his life and work, ought to be more than gratifying to me, regardless of how silly I think my pursuits may be. Maybe what I do is worth doing - even without the Spandex.

Today, I really want to try out a compound bow.

Sometimes a blog is just a blog.

This is just a recap for my own benefit. With any luck, it will help illuminate something for you as well.

Today, while reading Bruce Tift’s Already Free, I learned about the 3 forms of aggression in the Western developmental view of psychology. Before we delve into aggression, note that neurosis, as used here, refers to a psychological response that we develop in order to avoid directly facing emotional intensity. Neuroses are often formed in childhood, arising as unconscious reactions intended to protect us from the surge of overwhelming emotion we experience in response to a provocative circumstance or occurrence.

The first form of aggression Tift writes about is neurotic feminine aggression, or what can be considered positive aggression in some Buddhist schools of thought. (Note that feminine here does not equate with female.) In short, this is when someone seeks to maintain positivity in his outward relationships and turns his aggression inward, believing that his "problem” arises from within. Examples of turning aggression inward include someone repressing their honest thoughts or acting deferent and accommodating toward another person, for the purpose of maintaining security, order, and calm. People acting in this way believe that, by “erasing” themselves, they can erase the tension in a conflict. This often leads to passive-aggressive behavior, due to the resentment of repressing oneself “boiling over” into micro-aggressions.

The second form Tift describes is neurotic masculine aggression, or negative aggression. This is the stereotypical form of aggression that most people picture - anger, belligerence, criticism, etc. It is outwardly-directed aggression, intended to combat a threat perceived to be coming from outside. When, for example, we feel threatened emotionally and blame others for causing the feeling, we are exhibiting negative aggression. Believing that others are the problem, we might try to criticize, intimidate, or control others, or we might distance ourselves mentally by adopting an attitude of superiority.

The third form of aggression is neurotic neutrality, or ignorance/ignoring. This is characterized by “spacing out” and not really being present, in order to escape having to feel intense emotion. Sometimes, this manifests as being “super spiritual,” living aloof and above the mundane trivialities of the real world. Other times, it might present as going through life confused, dazed, wishy-washy, and indecisive. In this way, it seems non-aggressive, but the implication of living like this is the self-absorbed demand that other people sort out the messy details of life on one’s behalf.

Tift notes that these are not fixed descriptions of personality types, but rather, different strategies that we all employ to varying degrees. Most people have a preferred aggression strategy they rely on to avoid facing intense emotions that threaten to annihilate and engulf them.

In addition, it is important to remember that, by definition, aggressive neuroses are inappropriate, habitual responses to the impending threat of feeling intense emotions. Of course, there are times when deference, anger, or aloofness are parts of a mature, psychologically-wholesome response. In contrast, the aggression described above is the sort that arises in knee-jerk fashion, an emotional habit developed during childhood, rather than as a mature response to challenging circumstances.

It’s my hope that, by seeing these strategies described, we can begin to recognize when we employ them in our own lives and so raise the possibility of making a more mature choice: one rooted in the reasoned decision-making of our adult selves, rather than unconscious reactions from a childhood long past.

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much,

Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of little children,

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task,

Who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul,

Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty or failed to express it,

Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had,

Whose life was an inspiration, whose memory a benediction.”

-Bessie Anderson Stanley

Quoted by Joanne Rogers in the foreword to Wisdom from the World According to Mr. Rogers: Important Things to Remember.

Today, I said to myself, “I’m not as good as I used to think, but I’m better than I was before.”

That counts for something.

After six months of not blogging at all, why am I here again?

In a word, clarity. Writing openly forces me to externalize my thoughts, to organize them, to scrutinize my words more rigorously than when they’re just abstract images floating in mind.

Living “publicly”, or at least, with the possibility that a stranger might encounter me or my ideas, keeps me sharp, quick, and very much on my toes.

I’ve lived “out of the spotlight” for quite some time - I’ve grown soft.

Now, by putting myself out there, I’m forced to sharpen my saw, to hold myself to a higher standard.

Wish me luck.

One of the costs of achievement is giving up your ideas about yourself. At some point, you will have to let go of a story you believe about who you are, what you do, or how you got there.

Maybe you wrote a story about yourself when you were young, and the story says, “I will always do x” or “I will never do y.”

Maybe someone else told you the story, and you came to believe it: “You better be like this” or “You shouldn’t be like that.”

But maybe those exact stories are the reason you sometimes feel stuck. Maybe those stories aren’t true, but you’ve internalized them so much that you don’t even get to test them and find out.

Sure, those stories might be true some of the time, but to really achieve something worthwhile, there will come a time when you have to pay the price: you will have to question the truth of those stories and accept that you can only be what you are - not what the stories you and others believe say that you are.